Help for Family & Friends of an Addict

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  It is easier to find a list of "don’ts" in dealing with addicts than a list of "do's";

 for it is easier to understand why you fail than to know why you succeed.

The following list is not inclusive but it makes a good beginning:

• Don't lecture, moralize, scold, blame, threaten, argue when drunk or sober, pour out liquor, lose your temper or cover up the consequences of drinking. You may feel better, but the situation will be worse.
• Don't lose your temper and thereby destroy yourself and any possibility of help.
• Don't allow your anxiety to compel you to do for addicts what they must do for themselves.
• Don't accept promises, for this is just a method of postponing pain. In the same way don't keep switching agreements (If an agreement is made stick to it).
• Don't allow the addict to lie to you and accept it for the truth, for in doing so you encourage this process. The truth is often painful, but get at it.
• Don't let the addict outsmart you for this teaches them to avoid responsibility and lose respect for you at the same time.
• Don't let the addict exploit you or take advantage of you for in so doing you become an accomplice in the evasion of responsibility.
• Don't go along with the addict's "reasons." Addicts have many "reasons" why they drink or take drugs. These "reasons" are usually "excuses" rather than genuine problems. Remember that there is no valid reason for an addict to abuse. There are only excuses to make addiction appear reasonable to you and themselves,
• Don't give the addict the impression that you are an enemy. Remember, the disease of addiction is the true enemy. Be firm in your commitment to recovery for a loved one, but let them know you're fighting this disease with them and not for them.
• Don't put off facing the reality that addiction is a progressive illness that gets increasingly worse as drinking/drug usage continues. Start now to learn, to understand and to plan for recovery. To do nothing is the worst choice you can make.

 Many times when family and friends try to "help" addicts, they are actually making it easier for them to continue in the progression of the disease.

This baffling phenomenon is called "enabling", which takes many forms, all of which have the same effect, allowing the addict to avoid the consequences of their actions. This in turn allows the addict to continue merrily along their addictive ways, secure in the knowledge that no matter how far they sink, somebody will always be there to rescue them.

What is the difference between "helping" and "enabling"?

There are many opinions and viewpoints on this, but here is a simple description:

Helping is doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing themselves. Enabling is doing for someone things that they could, and should be doing for themselves. Simply, enabling creates an atmosphere in which the addict can comfortably continue their unacceptable behavior.

Here are a few questions that might help determine the difference between helping and enabling an addict in your life:

Have you ever "called in sick" for the addict; lying about their symptoms?

Have you accepted part of the blame for their addictive behavior?

Have you avoided talking about their addiction out of fear of their response?

Have you bailed them out of jail or paid for their legal fees?

Have you paid bills that they were supposed to have paid themselves?

Have you loaned them money?

Have you tried drinking or using drugs with them in hopes of strengthening the relationship?

Have you given them "one more chance" and then another and another?

Have you threatened to leave and didn't?

Have you finished a job or project that the addict failed to complete them?

Don't blame yourself. Addiction is a disease. It's not your fault.

 If you're reading this it probably means that you or someone you love is already involved in or considering joining a Twelve Step program of recovery. We embark on recovery as a means of seeking freedom from anyone or more of a number of addictive agents. Addictive agents are those persons or things on which we form an excessive dependency. 

The catalog of addictive agents includes:

Alcohol or drugs

Work, achievement, and success

Money addictions, such as overspending, gambling, hoarding

Control addictions, especially if they surface in personal, sexual, family, and business relationships

Food addictions

Sexual addictions

Approval dependency (the need to please people)

Rescuing patterns toward other persons

Dependency on toxic relationships (relationships that are damaging and hurtful)

Physical illness (hypochondria)

Exercise and physical conditioning

Cosmetics, clothes, cosmetic surgery, trying to look good on the outside

Academic pursuits and excessive intellectualizing religiosity or religious legalism (preoccupation with the form and the rules and regulations of religion, rather than benefiting from the real spiritual message)

General perfectionism

Cleaning and avoiding contamination and other obsessive-compulsive symptoms

Organizing, structuring (the need always to have everything in its place)

Materialism

Most of us can see ourselves somewhere in this list. And all of us can benefit from the truths that emerge from the Twelve-Step Recovery, because all of us are, to some degree, codependent. What does that mean? We define codependency as being an effort to control interior feelings by manipulating people, things, and events on the outside.